Dealing with the Hospital Staff

Once you get to the hospital, it won’t be you and partner anymore. Now you have to deal with strangers, the staff of the hospital, medical experts who have jobs to do. While the nurses/doctors/midwives are there to help you and your partner, their primary job is the medical side of birth. And these people at the hospital can make a huge difference in how smoothly or how disastrously your birth can go. So you need to know how to deal with them.

• Introduce yourself
  Try to shake hands or at least acknowledge each person who walks into the labor room. If it’s possible, tell them your name, your partner’s name and ask them for theirs. This seems simple, but during the intensity of labor it maybe harder than you’d think.

• Use people’s names
  Find out the names of your nurses and doctors. When you speak to them make sure you use their names. If you’re bad with names you’re in luck; the staff at hospitals will always wear name badges.

• Be nice
  No matter what’s going on with the birth or how you’re being treated, make sure you stay nice. Smile whenever possible and add pleases and thank yous when asking for things.

• Make jokes
  Jokes make us more human and less like another random stranger that the staff is helping. Even if your jokes are horrible, try dropping a few to see if you can get some smiles out of the staff. Worst case, you end up keeping your partner’s mind off the contractions (because your jokes suck and she’s telling you knock it off).

• Get to know them
  If you have down time, ask the staff questions about themselves. Find out if they have kids, pets or an interesting hobby. If they make a comment about the music you’re listening to, find out about their musical interests. Ask if they’ve seen popular movies or TV shows and ask their opinion. Like making jokes, this makes you and your partner more personable and more likely to get the staff’s help with extras. However, keep this getting to know them session light. Steer away from discussions about religion, politics or parenting views.

• Utilize their knowledge by asking for help
  It does no one any good if you go into a birth ready to “do battle” for your wishes. Instead, ask the nurses and other staff for help. Let them know what your goals are with a birth plan and tap into their knowledge. If your partner wants to go unmedicated, let the nurse know that you would love any help she could offer. If your partner wants to breastfeed immediately after birth, let your nurse know you’re going to need their help. Your nurse is a fountain of knowledge and if you ask for it, she’ll be willing to share it with you.

• Ask for clarification
  If you don’t understand what the staff is trying to tell you, make sure they know that. Chances are you’ll be emotional, tired and possibly hungry during the birth. And your partner is going to be feeling the same things, only be dealing with contractions too. This can make comprehension of birthing and medical terms a lot harder. Make sure you understand what’s going on and you can explain it to your partner if needs be.

• Ask them to leave when making decision
  If the staff comes into the room because they want to do an intervention and you want to discuss the intervention with your partner, ask the staff to leave. This will help you make the decision without feeling pressured from the staff. Just be nice about asking. If the staff won’t leave, a doula I know suggests saying that you’re going to pray and would like some privacy to do that.

• Vent out of hearing
  If you don’t like your nurse or you’re frustrated about what’s going on, don’t complain about it in the hearing of the staff. It may offend them and then they won’t be as helpful to you and your partner.

• Ask for new nurses
  If you don’t like your nurse or you think there’s a birthing philosophy difference (i.e. you want to go unmedicated but you feel your nurse is pushing an epidural on your partner) feel free to ask for a new nurse. Just go out to the nurse’s station at your birthing facility and ask to talk to the charge nurse or the nurse manager. Then simply ask for a new nurse. And don’t worry about offending your nurse—chances are the conflict is two-sided and your nurse will be happy to get a different patient.

• Consider bribing
  See the post below this one for more information about bribing.
  
  

Bribing your Nurse

In one of my classes (you know who you are!) we had an interesting discussion about bribing the nurses to get them on your side and help you get what you want. So here are some tips about that.

• Bring plenty of whatever bribes you choose. Your primary nurse may have to go to attend another patient or her shift may end before you deliver. In addition, your primary nurse may have a nursing student who would also want a goody.

• Bring food. Baked goods like cookies or doughnuts are easy to buy and hand out. Depending on your labor, you could run into a grocery store on your way to the hospital. But some people who are watching their diet won’t want food, especially sweets. You could try bringing dried or fresh fruits if you want something a little healthier.

• Bring girly things. Most nurses, especially in labor and delivery units are women so small bottles of lotion, nail polishes or even room sprays may be appreciated. On the downside, you may end up with a male nurse and some people are allergic to the scents to various products.

• Choose small gifts. Go to a dollar store and check out the bins of notepads, massagers, and frames. Almost everyone will find something they like from these. On the downside, this is a little more expensive option.

• Buy 5 dollar gift cards. An expensive option, but one that may work the best are small denomination gift cards to places like Borders or Starbucks.

• Treat your nurses with respect. While all these are great ways to get your nurses on your side, probably the best way is treat your nurses politely. Try to avoid ordering them around or yelling at them. They’re doing the best they can too.

Kicking Someone Out of the Hospital Room

Your partner wanted to be surrounded by all of your friends and family for this birth. But now that they’re here, all these people are driving you and your partner crazy. So how do you ask them to leave without causing World War III?

• Use a Code Word
  Come up with a look or a word or a phrase for her to use to tell you to start removing extra people from the room. This is a safe way to let you know she needs help without her offending anyone.

• Be Polite, But Direct
  Simply ask people to leave. Explain to them that things are getting intense and your partner needs to focus on her contractions. Be careful though since this can make family and friends angry with you, especially if they were planning on being there with the two of you.

• Guide People Out
  Some people don’t get the hint and you will actually have to walk them out to the waiting room.

• Promise Updates
  If your friends and family are at the hospital, they love you, they love your partner and they already adore this baby. It's only natural for them to be excited and nervous. Promise them you'll let them know what's going on so they can be a part of the event too. Just don't let them knock on your door for updates, or they’ll drive both of you crazy.

• Ask Them to go Home
  If it looks like it’ll be a while before the birth, tell your friends and family that you’ll call them when you get close to the end.

• Give People Something to do
  If you’re truly having problems getting rid of people, send them on food or store errands. This works well if they don’t know the area and you can send them to stores a few miles away.

• Make Your Nurse the Bad Guy
  Have your nurse kick the excess people out if you don't want to do it. The nurse can site hospital procedure, policies and rules to help get the people out of the room. However, be careful though because again, this can make people angry, especially if they figure out the request came from you.

Tip: Decide as a couple not to call people until after the baby is born or when the birth is close. Just tell your friends and family you were too busy to call thus eliminating the need to potentially kick people out of the room.

Helping a Woman Have an Unmedicated Birth

So your partner wants to go unmedicated—she wants to avoid an epidural. And she’s counting on you to help her do it. So how do you help?

• Avoid the unnecessary. You know the basics by now. Try to avoid inductions, try to avoid pitocin and try to avoid letting medical professionals break her water, since it may make labor stronger, testing her resolve to go without the epidural. However, keep in mind that sometimes you just can’t avoid things like pitocin; in some cases these tools are absolutely necessary.

• Talk about your options. So she wants to avoid an epidural. What are her thoughts about narcotics? Would she want a narcotic shot over an epidural or does she want to avoid that too?

• Think about scenarios. What are you going to do if it’s a super long labor or if it looks like she’s heading for a cesarean? How about if she starts panicking? What about if the nurse/doctor start pushing an epidural on her? What if they don’t let her get out of bed/walk the halls/ be in the shower? How are you going to help her now?

• Practice. If you want your labor to go as smoothly as possible, you have to practice your breathing and positions, or you won’t remember how to help her. It only takes a few minutes a couple times a week.

• Become educated. You have to be the one in charge of keeping her comfortable—not her. You must know many ways to help her during the process.

• Come up with a gimmick. You need something to say to her if she asks for the epidural. I told my husband to talk me out of the epidural if I asked for it. I told him to remind me that I didn’t want a urinary catheter and I wanted to be up and moving as soon after my birth as possible. When I did ask for the epidural (and I did) he reminded me of why I didn’t want it. And after he reminded me, I was back and commited to going unmedicated.

• Watch out for the test. I tested my husband, asking for an epidural before I really NEEDED one; I wanted to know what he would do. What can I say? It was my hormones turning me into a mega-witch (not one of my best moments). Some women will do this during labor. Watch out for it.

• Figure out what to do during transition. Remember, transition is the phase of labor right before pushing and is the hardest, but shortest part of labor. This is the point many women ask for an epidural because they hit a wall. However, if you can get her through transition, she probably doesn’t need an epidural. Talk it over and decide what to do if she asks for an epidural in transition.

• Choose a code word. Some women will labor asking for an epidural, but not really want one (welcome to the fun world of women!). In this case, a code word meaning “I actually do want the epidural” can be helpful.

• Step it up if she asks for the epidural. If she’s asking for an epidural, she needs more help. And you have to figure out a way to help her.

• Be prepared for it to test your resolve too. It’s hard to watch someone you love in pain, especially if they’re very vocal about it. It may seem easier on both of you if she just gives in and gets the epidural. Many coaches (out of love) will start suggesting the epidural. And if you suggest it, she’ll probably take you up on it. Make sure you’re committed to her going unmedicated too.