How to Communicate with your Partner

Communication in labor is very important. However, it can be difficult. Both of you will be tired and emotional. You both may be hungry. She’ll also be hormonal and dealing with contractions. So how do you effectively communicate with your partner?

• Check in with her occasionally. Find out if you’re actually helping her with your touch or your words.

• Ask her what she thinks will help. However, if she says she doesn’t know you MUST be prepared to come up with a way to help. Sometimes you have to take charge.

• Tell her what to do. If she asks what she should be doing the worst thing you can do is say, ‘I don’t know. Whatever you want’. If she’s asking for your opinion, you have to give it. Tell her what to do and then check in a couple of contractions later to see if she wants to try something else.

• Understand that she may not make a lot of sense. She may tell you you’re rubbing her back wrong, so you stop. And then 2 contractions later she’s asking you to rub her back again, but not that way, the other way. Do the best you can and try not to become frustrated with her. Keep trying and you’ll come up with a way to help.

• Be strong. Sometimes you have to be a little forceful with your partner during labor. If she says she can’t go on, you have to tell her she’s doing great. If she asks for a cesarean (and there’s no medical reason for one) you have to tell her no, that she has the strength to keep going. If she starts panicking, you have to tell her to look at you and BREATHE. If she’s supposed to be pushing the baby out and says she can’t, sometimes you have to say ‘Yes you can! Now PUSH’.

How to Handle Seeing your Partner in Pain

No one wants to see their partner in pain. Unfortunately, pain is a part of birth and she probably will be in some pain at some point, even if she’s planning to get an epidural as soon as possible.

So here are some things you can do to make seeing your partner in pain a little easier.

• Remind yourself that labor pain is a part of the process. According to Dr. William Camann in his book Easy Labor, “Labor pain is a unique type of pain, since it’s not associated with injury but a normal process.” Labor pain is different from a headache, sprained ankle or even menstrual cramps. It has peaks and it has breaks when she should be feeling no pain whatsoever. And for the majority of labor, she will have more break time than pain time. In addition, no matter how hard it gets, contractions usually last no longer than 90 seconds. Focus on the break time, not the contractions.
  


• Help her deal with the pain. Yes you can help! Review your comfort techniques. Help her breathe and have her close her eyes or look into your eyes. Know that you can help decrease her pain with music, cool compresses, massages and even the shower. Simply being present will be a huge comfort to your partner decreasing the amount of pain she's experiencing.



• Remember that it’s not you in pain. Many very well meaning coaches struggle when their partner wants to go unmedicated; they struggle witnessing her in pain and suggest she get some pain relief. Try to resist doing this. Think about how angry she will be with you after the birth if she feels like YOU forced her to get pain medicine she didn’t need.
  
  
• She needs you to be strong. If you start panicking, she’ll panic. This is the one time you must be a rock she can lean on, a rock she can depend on no matter what happens. The stronger you are, the stronger she’ll be and the less pain she’ll feel. Try to hold off on any emotional outbursts until the baby’s born or she gets some medication (if that’s what she wants).

How Poker is Like Birth

So I’m a poker player, mostly Texas Hold ‘Em. And I love a lot of things about poker from the thrill of bluffing, to the fun of trying to guess what someone else is holding, to the excitement of taking someone else’s money. But the thing I love and hate the most about poker is how unpredictable it is, just like how unpredictable birth is.

With Texas Hold ‘Em it’s possible to do everything right, get flopped 3 queens, play the table perfectly so that no one knows what you have—they just suspect you have something (or you’re bluffing). Finally, you do the All In bet, pretty sure you’ve won.

And you lose to the girl with the flush.

So how does this relate to birth? Well, you and your partner could do everything right. You could attend your childbirth classes, talk about your plans for the birth, practice the breathing and position changes. You could hire a doula and your partner could take a prenatal yoga class. You could read everything you could get your hands on about birth and be as sure as can be that this birth is going to go well.

And then the birth is long, difficult and ends in cesarean, leaving you and your partner wondering what you did wrong.

The truth is, you did nothing wrong. Birth is just unpredictable, just like poker.

Now I’m not saying we stop preparing for births or we stop working hard to prepare for birth just because it’s unpredictable. I prepare for poker games just like you guys need to prepare for birth; I make sure I’m not too tired or hungry before I play and in my free time I read books about poker and watch the World Series of Poker. I know the probabilities of getting a straight or getting four 7s because it makes me a better player. While playing, I make sure I don’t drink too many beers and if I start to get tired or my concentration wanes, I switch to caffeine. I experiment with different styles and different methods of playing poker. But I acknowledge that I can be the best player at the table (not that I am) and still lose because the cards themselves are unpredictable.

Birth is unpredictable too. We don’t know what it’s going to be like for you and your partner. I’ve had mothers tell me it was horrible and I’ve had mothers tell me it wasn’t as bad as they thought it was going to be. I’ve known people who have barely made it to the hospital in time and people who have multiple day labors. I’ve known couples who plan to have dad wait out in the waiting room until after the baby is born and he changes his mind half-way through the labor and wants to catch the baby. And I’ve known dads planning to catch the baby and then faint when it comes time for it.

Just like with poker you have to be flexible when it comes to birth. Just because you have three queens doesn’t mean you can’t be beat. And just because your goal is to go unmedicated and you’ve done all this prep work doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. You have to be able to change your plans at a moment’s notice both in poker and in birth or you handicap yourself.

Dealing with the Hospital Staff

Once you get to the hospital, it won’t be you and partner anymore. Now you have to deal with strangers, the staff of the hospital, medical experts who have jobs to do. While the nurses/doctors/midwives are there to help you and your partner, their primary job is the medical side of birth. And these people at the hospital can make a huge difference in how smoothly or how disastrously your birth can go. So you need to know how to deal with them.

• Introduce yourself
  Try to shake hands or at least acknowledge each person who walks into the labor room. If it’s possible, tell them your name, your partner’s name and ask them for theirs. This seems simple, but during the intensity of labor it maybe harder than you’d think.

• Use people’s names
  Find out the names of your nurses and doctors. When you speak to them make sure you use their names. If you’re bad with names you’re in luck; the staff at hospitals will always wear name badges.

• Be nice
  No matter what’s going on with the birth or how you’re being treated, make sure you stay nice. Smile whenever possible and add pleases and thank yous when asking for things.

• Make jokes
  Jokes make us more human and less like another random stranger that the staff is helping. Even if your jokes are horrible, try dropping a few to see if you can get some smiles out of the staff. Worst case, you end up keeping your partner’s mind off the contractions (because your jokes suck and she’s telling you knock it off).

• Get to know them
  If you have down time, ask the staff questions about themselves. Find out if they have kids, pets or an interesting hobby. If they make a comment about the music you’re listening to, find out about their musical interests. Ask if they’ve seen popular movies or TV shows and ask their opinion. Like making jokes, this makes you and your partner more personable and more likely to get the staff’s help with extras. However, keep this getting to know them session light. Steer away from discussions about religion, politics or parenting views.

• Utilize their knowledge by asking for help
  It does no one any good if you go into a birth ready to “do battle” for your wishes. Instead, ask the nurses and other staff for help. Let them know what your goals are with a birth plan and tap into their knowledge. If your partner wants to go unmedicated, let the nurse know that you would love any help she could offer. If your partner wants to breastfeed immediately after birth, let your nurse know you’re going to need their help. Your nurse is a fountain of knowledge and if you ask for it, she’ll be willing to share it with you.

• Ask for clarification
  If you don’t understand what the staff is trying to tell you, make sure they know that. Chances are you’ll be emotional, tired and possibly hungry during the birth. And your partner is going to be feeling the same things, only be dealing with contractions too. This can make comprehension of birthing and medical terms a lot harder. Make sure you understand what’s going on and you can explain it to your partner if needs be.

• Ask them to leave when making decision
  If the staff comes into the room because they want to do an intervention and you want to discuss the intervention with your partner, ask the staff to leave. This will help you make the decision without feeling pressured from the staff. Just be nice about asking. If the staff won’t leave, a doula I know suggests saying that you’re going to pray and would like some privacy to do that.

• Vent out of hearing
  If you don’t like your nurse or you’re frustrated about what’s going on, don’t complain about it in the hearing of the staff. It may offend them and then they won’t be as helpful to you and your partner.

• Ask for new nurses
  If you don’t like your nurse or you think there’s a birthing philosophy difference (i.e. you want to go unmedicated but you feel your nurse is pushing an epidural on your partner) feel free to ask for a new nurse. Just go out to the nurse’s station at your birthing facility and ask to talk to the charge nurse or the nurse manager. Then simply ask for a new nurse. And don’t worry about offending your nurse—chances are the conflict is two-sided and your nurse will be happy to get a different patient.

• Consider bribing
  See the post below this one for more information about bribing.
  
  

Bribing your Nurse

In one of my classes (you know who you are!) we had an interesting discussion about bribing the nurses to get them on your side and help you get what you want. So here are some tips about that.

• Bring plenty of whatever bribes you choose. Your primary nurse may have to go to attend another patient or her shift may end before you deliver. In addition, your primary nurse may have a nursing student who would also want a goody.

• Bring food. Baked goods like cookies or doughnuts are easy to buy and hand out. Depending on your labor, you could run into a grocery store on your way to the hospital. But some people who are watching their diet won’t want food, especially sweets. You could try bringing dried or fresh fruits if you want something a little healthier.

• Bring girly things. Most nurses, especially in labor and delivery units are women so small bottles of lotion, nail polishes or even room sprays may be appreciated. On the downside, you may end up with a male nurse and some people are allergic to the scents to various products.

• Choose small gifts. Go to a dollar store and check out the bins of notepads, massagers, and frames. Almost everyone will find something they like from these. On the downside, this is a little more expensive option.

• Buy 5 dollar gift cards. An expensive option, but one that may work the best are small denomination gift cards to places like Borders or Starbucks.

• Treat your nurses with respect. While all these are great ways to get your nurses on your side, probably the best way is treat your nurses politely. Try to avoid ordering them around or yelling at them. They’re doing the best they can too.

Kicking Someone Out of the Hospital Room

Your partner wanted to be surrounded by all of your friends and family for this birth. But now that they’re here, all these people are driving you and your partner crazy. So how do you ask them to leave without causing World War III?

• Use a Code Word
  Come up with a look or a word or a phrase for her to use to tell you to start removing extra people from the room. This is a safe way to let you know she needs help without her offending anyone.

• Be Polite, But Direct
  Simply ask people to leave. Explain to them that things are getting intense and your partner needs to focus on her contractions. Be careful though since this can make family and friends angry with you, especially if they were planning on being there with the two of you.

• Guide People Out
  Some people don’t get the hint and you will actually have to walk them out to the waiting room.

• Promise Updates
  If your friends and family are at the hospital, they love you, they love your partner and they already adore this baby. It's only natural for them to be excited and nervous. Promise them you'll let them know what's going on so they can be a part of the event too. Just don't let them knock on your door for updates, or they’ll drive both of you crazy.

• Ask Them to go Home
  If it looks like it’ll be a while before the birth, tell your friends and family that you’ll call them when you get close to the end.

• Give People Something to do
  If you’re truly having problems getting rid of people, send them on food or store errands. This works well if they don’t know the area and you can send them to stores a few miles away.

• Make Your Nurse the Bad Guy
  Have your nurse kick the excess people out if you don't want to do it. The nurse can site hospital procedure, policies and rules to help get the people out of the room. However, be careful though because again, this can make people angry, especially if they figure out the request came from you.

Tip: Decide as a couple not to call people until after the baby is born or when the birth is close. Just tell your friends and family you were too busy to call thus eliminating the need to potentially kick people out of the room.

What to do if Prelabor Lasts for Weeks

It’s not uncommon for women to ease into labor. Most women start experiencing Braxton-Hicks or prelabor contractions around 7-8 months along. These are non-painful, unrhythmic contractions that don’t cause a lot of cervical change. But as her due date starts getting closer these Braxton-hicks contractions start transitioning to true labor contractions. She’ll gradually cycle off the Braxton-hicks contractions and into true labor contractions. And this transition may take weeks. This may be very confusing for both of you, resulting in many trips to the hospital.

So here’s what to do if she’s having a lot of contractions, but isn’t in true labor yet.

• Talk to her care provider. Find out when the hospital wants to see you and stick to it. If the hospital says come in when contractions are 3 to 5 minutes apart, lasting 60 seconds and been that way for 1-2 hours then they want you to wait until contractions are like that. Don’t jump the gun and come in too early because they’ll probably send you home. And no one likes being sent home.

• Keep her mind off the contractions. If these contractions aren’t uncomfortable they probably aren’t the real thing. Keep her busy with meals out, games, visitors, shopping trips and fun activities like picnics and movies. When she can’t stay busy anymore and has to focus on the contractions to get through them, it’s a signal these are real contractions.

• Have sex. Unless your doctor has told you otherwise, feel free to have plenty of sex. It’ll be the last time for a while, so enjoy it; you can’t harm the baby. Need another reason? Sex produces a hormone called oxytocin that causes contractions! In addition, semen contains prostaglandins (hormones) that can ripen the cervix. And if she’s not in the mood for intercourse, that’s fine too. There are other things you both can do that provide nearly the same effects as intercourse.

• Don’t obsess about timing the contractions. It’s not that big of a deal. She will let you know when contractions are getting stronger and closer together.

• Wait for the frown. Each time she experiences a cycle of contractions she’ll probably think this is the real thing. But when the contractions change to true labor contractions she’ll probably frown and comment how these contractions feel different than the other ones she was experiencing. When that happens, you’ll probably find those contractions are the real deal and they’ll get stronger, longer and closer together.

• Encourage her to relax. Relaxation may make the contractions go away, or it may make them into true labor contractions. Pamper her as much as is humanly possible, while making sure you’re not too worn out during this process.

• Schedule fun activities. Encourage her to schedule something fun to do every single day for a week past her due date. That way she’ll wake up in the morning excited because she’s got something fun scheduled that day. And she’ll be okay (or at least a little better) if the baby doesn’t come that day.

• Rest. Make sure you’re resting and taking care of yourself as much as possible. If you wear yourself out stressing in the few weeks before labor begins, you won’t be as much help to your partner.

• Enjoy this time. While you’ve been waiting months to meet your baby, you’ll look back wishing you had a few more days without baby. Enjoy being able to watch a movie all the way through, have a conversation with your partner and sleeping entirely through the night—because those days are almost done.