Kicking Someone Out of the Hospital Room

Your partner wanted to be surrounded by all of your friends and family for this birth. But now that they’re here, all these people are driving you and your partner crazy. So how do you ask them to leave without causing World War III?

• Use a Code Word
  Come up with a look or a word or a phrase for her to use to tell you to start removing extra people from the room. This is a safe way to let you know she needs help without her offending anyone.

• Be Polite, But Direct
  Simply ask people to leave. Explain to them that things are getting intense and your partner needs to focus on her contractions. Be careful though since this can make family and friends angry with you, especially if they were planning on being there with the two of you.

• Guide People Out
  Some people don’t get the hint and you will actually have to walk them out to the waiting room.

• Promise Updates
  If your friends and family are at the hospital, they love you, they love your partner and they already adore this baby. It's only natural for them to be excited and nervous. Promise them you'll let them know what's going on so they can be a part of the event too. Just don't let them knock on your door for updates, or they’ll drive both of you crazy.

• Ask Them to go Home
  If it looks like it’ll be a while before the birth, tell your friends and family that you’ll call them when you get close to the end.

• Give People Something to do
  If you’re truly having problems getting rid of people, send them on food or store errands. This works well if they don’t know the area and you can send them to stores a few miles away.

• Make Your Nurse the Bad Guy
  Have your nurse kick the excess people out if you don't want to do it. The nurse can site hospital procedure, policies and rules to help get the people out of the room. However, be careful though because again, this can make people angry, especially if they figure out the request came from you.

Tip: Decide as a couple not to call people until after the baby is born or when the birth is close. Just tell your friends and family you were too busy to call thus eliminating the need to potentially kick people out of the room.

What to do if Prelabor Lasts for Weeks

It’s not uncommon for women to ease into labor. Most women start experiencing Braxton-Hicks or prelabor contractions around 7-8 months along. These are non-painful, unrhythmic contractions that don’t cause a lot of cervical change. But as her due date starts getting closer these Braxton-hicks contractions start transitioning to true labor contractions. She’ll gradually cycle off the Braxton-hicks contractions and into true labor contractions. And this transition may take weeks. This may be very confusing for both of you, resulting in many trips to the hospital.

So here’s what to do if she’s having a lot of contractions, but isn’t in true labor yet.

• Talk to her care provider. Find out when the hospital wants to see you and stick to it. If the hospital says come in when contractions are 3 to 5 minutes apart, lasting 60 seconds and been that way for 1-2 hours then they want you to wait until contractions are like that. Don’t jump the gun and come in too early because they’ll probably send you home. And no one likes being sent home.

• Keep her mind off the contractions. If these contractions aren’t uncomfortable they probably aren’t the real thing. Keep her busy with meals out, games, visitors, shopping trips and fun activities like picnics and movies. When she can’t stay busy anymore and has to focus on the contractions to get through them, it’s a signal these are real contractions.

• Have sex. Unless your doctor has told you otherwise, feel free to have plenty of sex. It’ll be the last time for a while, so enjoy it; you can’t harm the baby. Need another reason? Sex produces a hormone called oxytocin that causes contractions! In addition, semen contains prostaglandins (hormones) that can ripen the cervix. And if she’s not in the mood for intercourse, that’s fine too. There are other things you both can do that provide nearly the same effects as intercourse.

• Don’t obsess about timing the contractions. It’s not that big of a deal. She will let you know when contractions are getting stronger and closer together.

• Wait for the frown. Each time she experiences a cycle of contractions she’ll probably think this is the real thing. But when the contractions change to true labor contractions she’ll probably frown and comment how these contractions feel different than the other ones she was experiencing. When that happens, you’ll probably find those contractions are the real deal and they’ll get stronger, longer and closer together.

• Encourage her to relax. Relaxation may make the contractions go away, or it may make them into true labor contractions. Pamper her as much as is humanly possible, while making sure you’re not too worn out during this process.

• Schedule fun activities. Encourage her to schedule something fun to do every single day for a week past her due date. That way she’ll wake up in the morning excited because she’s got something fun scheduled that day. And she’ll be okay (or at least a little better) if the baby doesn’t come that day.

• Rest. Make sure you’re resting and taking care of yourself as much as possible. If you wear yourself out stressing in the few weeks before labor begins, you won’t be as much help to your partner.

• Enjoy this time. While you’ve been waiting months to meet your baby, you’ll look back wishing you had a few more days without baby. Enjoy being able to watch a movie all the way through, have a conversation with your partner and sleeping entirely through the night—because those days are almost done.

Helping a Woman Have an Unmedicated Birth

So your partner wants to go unmedicated—she wants to avoid an epidural. And she’s counting on you to help her do it. So how do you help?

• Avoid the unnecessary. You know the basics by now. Try to avoid inductions, try to avoid pitocin and try to avoid letting medical professionals break her water, since it may make labor stronger, testing her resolve to go without the epidural. However, keep in mind that sometimes you just can’t avoid things like pitocin; in some cases these tools are absolutely necessary.

• Talk about your options. So she wants to avoid an epidural. What are her thoughts about narcotics? Would she want a narcotic shot over an epidural or does she want to avoid that too?

• Think about scenarios. What are you going to do if it’s a super long labor or if it looks like she’s heading for a cesarean? How about if she starts panicking? What about if the nurse/doctor start pushing an epidural on her? What if they don’t let her get out of bed/walk the halls/ be in the shower? How are you going to help her now?

• Practice. If you want your labor to go as smoothly as possible, you have to practice your breathing and positions, or you won’t remember how to help her. It only takes a few minutes a couple times a week.

• Become educated. You have to be the one in charge of keeping her comfortable—not her. You must know many ways to help her during the process.

• Come up with a gimmick. You need something to say to her if she asks for the epidural. I told my husband to talk me out of the epidural if I asked for it. I told him to remind me that I didn’t want a urinary catheter and I wanted to be up and moving as soon after my birth as possible. When I did ask for the epidural (and I did) he reminded me of why I didn’t want it. And after he reminded me, I was back and commited to going unmedicated.

• Watch out for the test. I tested my husband, asking for an epidural before I really NEEDED one; I wanted to know what he would do. What can I say? It was my hormones turning me into a mega-witch (not one of my best moments). Some women will do this during labor. Watch out for it.

• Figure out what to do during transition. Remember, transition is the phase of labor right before pushing and is the hardest, but shortest part of labor. This is the point many women ask for an epidural because they hit a wall. However, if you can get her through transition, she probably doesn’t need an epidural. Talk it over and decide what to do if she asks for an epidural in transition.

• Choose a code word. Some women will labor asking for an epidural, but not really want one (welcome to the fun world of women!). In this case, a code word meaning “I actually do want the epidural” can be helpful.

• Step it up if she asks for the epidural. If she’s asking for an epidural, she needs more help. And you have to figure out a way to help her.

• Be prepared for it to test your resolve too. It’s hard to watch someone you love in pain, especially if they’re very vocal about it. It may seem easier on both of you if she just gives in and gets the epidural. Many coaches (out of love) will start suggesting the epidural. And if you suggest it, she’ll probably take you up on it. Make sure you’re committed to her going unmedicated too.

Go Ahead and Move!!!

In one of my classes, I was watching a couple during their labor rehearsal--during the part of the class when couples combine the breathing and positions and pretend they're actually in labor. The woman was holding a piece of ice during the "contractions" and working hard to figure out the best way to deal with the pain from the ice. She started rocking back and forth a little. And her coach told her to stop rocking and stay still. After the "contraction" she put her ice down and told her coach that the rocking was helping. And for many people a little movement is a great way to deal with contractions.

Many women find swaying, rocking, pounding, patting, lunging and rocking helpful during labor. The movement releases the energy of contractions and prevents many women from tensing up during the contractions.

But there was a bigger problem in this situation. A woman found a great way to deal with her contractions and her coach told her it was wrong. While coaches always have the best of intentions, it's easy to tell people what they're doing is wrong, especially if it looks a little weird. She may be doing something we'd never do, that seems like it would make the contractions worse. But if it's working for her, it shouldn't be messed with. If you're unsure whether something she's doing is helping, simply ask her between contractions.

How to Use the Room

You and your partner have been practicing positions for weeks and know which ones you want to use. But now that you’re in your labor room, you’re struggling to use the room. You also don’t know where the TV is, where extra towels are or where the call button for the nurse is. Here are some tips for using your birthing facility room.

• Page the nurse if you can’t get hot water in the shower, can’t get the toilet to flush or can’t find something. It’s part of her job to help you.

• Open up the cupboards. If it’s not locked, peek inside to see what’s in there. Grab towels, sheets, blankets and washcloths. If you’re not sure what something is though, don’t touch or try to play with it. You may accidently set off an alarm.

• Find out how to unhook the fetal monitor. If mom has to be on the fetal monitor you don’t want to have to take it completely off each time she has to run to the bathroom. Ask the nurse to show you how to unhook the wires and how to hook them back in (it’s very easy). Promise your nurse you’ll only unhook mom after getting your nurse’s approval.

• Figure out how to use the bed (and no, not in that way—we’re trying to get the baby out, not put another in there). Your partner’s bed can be raised up so mom can lean onto a birthing ball and put her cheek onto it. The back of the bed can lean up so she can kneel, facing the back of the bed and get a massage. Many hospital beds can be made into a chair for mom’s comfort.

• Use the hospital table that fits over the bed for various positions. These can be raised and locked into place for mom to lean on and get a back rub. Just make sure you lock the wheels or place a washcloth against them so the table doesn’t move.

• Look for a small stool in your room. The stool is great if mom wants to slow dance but you’re an uncomfortable height for her. The stool is also great for shorter moms while they’re hopping into and out of bed or while she's sitting in a chair and getting a foot rub. You can even use the stool for sitting on next to mom if you don't want to sit on the floor (just put a cushion on it).

• Lay blankets and sheets on the ground for mom to lie on if she wants to lie on the floor. Use lots of support to make mom as comfortable as possible.

• Learn how to page the nurse, how to work a CD player, the TV and any other electronics in your room. That way you don’t fool around with it for a while, potentially breaking things or changing settings, before finally realizing you don’t know what you’re doing and need the nurse to fix everything.

• Use pillows and blankets to make chairs and rocking chairs as comfortable as possible.

Taking Pictures/Video During the Birth

One of the things you’ll have to do to prepare for this birth is figure out how you want to take pictures or do video during the birth. Most people want pictures during the birth or immediately after the baby’s born. And the role of photographer (along with everything else) often falls to you.

• Make sure you know how your camera works, how to load memory cards, put in batteries and so on before she goes into labor. You should also make sure any memory cards are empty before she goes into labor. You may find it easier to have a special, unused memory card just for the big day.

• Take pictures all through the process. Snap a couple of pictures when she’s at home and take a picture of the people who are on the rest of the support team.

• Avoid neglecting mom to take pictures. Consider taking pictures secondary to making your partner as comfortable as possible.

• Just snap away. Don’t worry abut taking perfect pictures. If the pictures have a baby in them, they’re fine. If you don’t like the pictures you can always delete them from the memory card before anyone else sees them.

• Talk to mom beforehand to find out what pictures or video she wants. She may want PG-rated pictures (ie: no pictures of the baby crowning) or she may be fine with the R-rated pictures. If you want a shot of the baby being born, but don’t want a shot of your partner’s perineum, try filming up by mom’s head rather than over the doctor’s shoulder. If she’s going to breastfeed, you should also find out if she wants pictures with her breasts in them.

• Consider having a person whose job is to provide secondary support and take pictures. That way you can take care of your partner and still get lots of pictures. And this way, you’ll end up in some of the pictures too.

• Talk to your birthing facility to find out if they let you take pictures during the process. Some hospitals will allow pictures and video as long as everything is going okay. Others will allow still pictures, but no videos of the actual birth. Still others won’t allow any pictures of the actual birth or the moments following it. You should also find out the policy for c-section births. Video is usually not allowed and many hospitals won’t allow any still cameras into the operating room. Find out if the event of a c-section, when you can take pictures of the baby and your partner.

The Car Ride to the Hospital

Many coaches wonder how to handle the car ride to the hospital. Chances are, unless her water’s broken and contractions haven’t started, she’s going to be having some pretty strong contractions in the car. So here’s how to handle the drive.

• Never run through red lights or drive too fast. If you’re worried you’re not going to make it to the hospital before the baby comes, pull over and call 911. Alternately you can just go to the closest hospital.

• Keep your eye on the road. If mom starts groaning or making noise during contractions, avoid trying to help her too much. Your job is to get both of you safely to the hospital.

• Plan on mom being in the back seat. Make her as comfortable as possible. Give her cool compresses and water she can sip on, if she wants to. If she has back labor, give her a heating pad that’s air activated.

• Have her sit on a towel in case her water breaks in the car. She also may need a puke bucket—many women throw up during labor.

• Consider having someone else in the car who can help mom or do the driving so you can help mom. This may make the drive to the hospital a little safer.